My humans often ask why I stare at them from across the room. I am not staring. I am conducting a performance review. So far, there is room for improvement, particularly in the areas of snack distribution, door-opening speed and respect for occupied chairs. Still, I remain …
Mrs. Cotton and little Miss Dickens
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📝🐱The Royal Soup Signal
My humans have recently noticed that, when I am presented with a deliciously cold soup during warm weather, my tail begins to tick and pulse. They appear to find this mysterious. It is not mysterious. It is communication. A rapidly trembling tail would suggest excessive …
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📝🐱The Importance of Midnight Zoomies for Fitness and Morale
There comes a moment in every well-managed household when the lights are low, the humans are settled, and peace appears to have been declared. This is, naturally, the ideal time for high-speed operations. My midnight zoomies are not random. They are a carefully structured …
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📝🐱Household Policy Update: Touching Is a Privilege, Not a Subscription
I feel it is time to address a matter which continues to confuse my humans. Apparently, they have noticed that when my food is being served, I am perfectly happy to be picked up, stroked, cuddled and generally admired at close range. Quite right too. At mealtimes, I am operating …
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📝🐱A Gentle Reminder from Management
The temperature is rising. I was promised air conditioning. My humans are therefore kindly requested to stop discussing, comparing and “looking into options”, and proceed directly to installation. I am a white indoor cat. I do not intend to spend the summer slowly roasting in my …
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📝🐱Settling In Nicely, Thank You Very Much
On 11 March, I was collected from the shelter and brought to what my humans rather casually call “home”. I prefer to think of it as my new location. Naturally, one does not simply move into a property without carrying out a full inspection. There are standards to maintain, …
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📝🐱A Brief Household Announcement
I would like to confirm that everything in this house remains under control. Naturally, my humans believe they are making decisions, organising furniture and planning their day. I find this adorable. For efficiency, I simply sit in the middle of whatever they are doing and …
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📝🐱The Exterior Decorator Requires Close Supervision
Today, my humans witnessed what they have rather foolishly described as “me getting on very well with the exterior painter”. I must correct the record. There was no affection involved. Yes, I gave him several head bumps. This was not cuddling. It was a professional identification …
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The kingdom is officially closed for the evening. My humans may continue with whatever it is they do, but I have important napping duties to attend to. Do try to keep the noise down while I recharge for tomorrow’s household inspections.
Yours, Mrs. Cotton 🐱🐾
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📝🐱A Rare Case of Humans Thinking Properly
As Head of Household Strategy, Senior Director of Sofa Allocation and sole authority on whether a meeting could have been a nap, I am naturally cautious when recommending human work. Standards must be maintained. However, during one of my routine inspections of the internet, I …