This morning, I arrived for inspection at 7:30. Yes, 7:30. My humans had been granted a full extra hour of sleep. I do hope they appreciated it. Such generosity from senior management should never be considered standard procedure. When I finally appeared, I was exceptionally …
Mrs. Cotton
-
-
📝🐱🪱Household Policy Update: Treachery by Pipette
Today, I regret to report a serious breach of trust within my household. My humans approached me with suspicious levels of kindness. There was gentle talking, strategic stroking and absolutely no mention whatsoever of medical procedures. Naturally, I assumed they had finally …
-
📝🐱🪖A New Recruit in the Ring of Friendship
I have been informed that a new young gentleman has joined my Ring of Friendship. His name is Little Soldier. An excellent name. Especially for a cat who has been appointed to a strong military family and will, no doubt, soon discover that commanding Humans requires discipline, …
-
📝🐱🍬Household Policy Update: An Anniversary of Considerable Importance
Today is an important day in my household. My humans are celebrating their wedding anniversary. Naturally, I have been supervising the occasion. Marriage, after all, is a serious long-term household arrangement involving patience, loyalty, shared furniture and the occasional …
-
📝🐱🐟Household Policy Update: The Open-Door Night Shift
I am pleased to report that the recent decision to leave the doors open at night has been met with my approval. Naturally, I do not sleep in just one place. That would suggest a lack of options, and I have worked far too hard on this household to tolerate such restrictions. Some …
-
📝🐱🎂A Birthday Audience for the Male-Human
Today is a particularly important date in the household calendar: the male-human is celebrating his birthday. Naturally, I have dressed for the occasion in my finest white outfit. It is freshly arranged, beautifully fluffed and, as always, entirely bespoke. Some creatures require …
-
📝🐱🚪The Doors Stay Open
Tonight, the doors will remain open. Quite right too. A queen cannot be expected to manage her household through closed departments. I shall be making full use of this new freedom. There will be bedroom inspections, hallway patrols and several surprise checks on my humans. I may …
-
📝🐱🏡 From Jutta to Mrs. Cotton
There was a time, before I took up my present royal appointment, when I lived in Enschede and answered to the name Jutta. It was a perfectly respectable name, of course. Nothing wrong with it at all. But when my future humans came to meet me, they immediately understood something …
-
📝🐱🐮Household Policy Update: Patience, Plastic Surgery and Proper Access
Miss Moo Moo Longtail has once again been under the knife. Plastic surgery, no less. Fortunately, my humans performed the operation rather well. I supervised from a suitable distance, naturally. A ruler must allow her staff to develop confidence, even when they are repairing …
-
📝🐱🇳🇴A Royal Reply to the Nieces of the North
My Dearest Nieces of the North, I was utterly delighted to receive your handwritten communication in the form of a proper letter. In an age when humans insist on tapping hurried little messages into glowing screens, it was most refreshing to receive something created with genuine …
-
📝🐱⚡A Most Unusual Royal Arrival
King Charles and Queen Camilla appeared at the opening of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow by stepping out of Doctor Who’s TARDIS. As a fellow head of state, I must admit this was an impressive entrance. Arriving officially by blue time machine is difficult to surpass, although …
-
📝🐱Household Policy Update: The Ginger Intruder
A ginger tom from the neighbourhood came to assist me with an unexpected security inspection today. Naturally, this involved enormous tails, several firm hisses and a considerable amount of highly professional staring. My humans appeared concerned, but they do not always …
-
📝🐱🌙 Late Night Household Report
By the time my humans believe the house has settled for the night, my real work begins. At precisely the moment they switch off the lights and whisper, “Goodnight,” I commence the final inspection of my kingdom. The female human turns over exactly seven times before accepting …
-
📝🐱✈️Her Royal Return
My female human is coming home, and I can hardly wait. Naturally, I have kept the household running smoothly in her absence. The cushions have been supervised, the windows inspected and the male human has received several important training reminders. Still, the kingdom is simply …
-
📝🐱My Official Complaint About Vacuum Cleaners
Yesterday, my humans committed the same household offence they have committed many times before. They brought out the vacuum cleaner. I was resting peacefully, supervising the living room from a strategically selected position, when the machine appeared without warning. No …
-
📝🐱🛌🏻The Saturday Morning Wake-Up Department
Saturday mornings are an important part of my household administration. My humans seem to believe that Saturday is a day for “sleeping in”. This is a charming idea, rather like believing the sofa belongs to them. At precisely the correct hour, which is whenever I decide the …
-
📝🐱🏡Weekend Duty
The weekend is nearly upon us, which means my humans will once again be at home for a full twenty-four hours a day. Naturally, they consider this relaxing. For me, however, it means increased supervision, additional household management and considerably more foot traffic through …
-
📝🐱🇳🇴A Farewell Inspection and the Return of Management
Last night, the Nieces of the North came by for one final farewell before setting off on the very long day ahead of them. Naturally, I supervised the proceedings. Farewells are delicate household matters. They require warmth, suitable attention and, ideally, a cat positioned …
-
📝🐱The Exterior Painter’s Unexpected Promotion
At first, I regarded the exterior painter with the caution appropriate for any tradesman arriving at my residence with ladders, brushes and suspiciously energetic footwear. He made noises outside my windows, moved objects without submitting the correct paperwork and appeared at …
-
📝🐱🚪The Closed Door Policy
Humans do not understand closed doors. They believe a door is simply either open or shut. A practical household object. Very sweet. To a cat, however, a closed door is a formal challenge to authority. In my household, I deal with this personally. I sit outside the offending door …