📝🐱🐱👑 Breaking News: Senior Management Has Been Expanded. Without Consulting Senior Management.

Well.

I suppose it is time to address the rather small, furry elephant in the room.

I have an apprentice.

Her name is Miss Dickens, and she has apparently been appointed to a junior management position in my household.

I say apparently, because nobody thought to consult me.

Not a meeting. Not an interview. Not even a polite memorandum slipped beneath my favourite cushion.

The humans simply disappeared for most of Sunday afternoon, returned behaving suspiciously pleased with themselves, and last night finally revealed what they had been plotting.

A kitten.

An actual kitten.

Now, before anyone starts drawing entirely the wrong conclusions, I must make one thing perfectly clear.

This appointment is absolutely NOT the result of any shortcomings in my leadership.

My performance has been exemplary.

Breakfast is supervised. Furniture is inspected. Human behaviour is monitored. Standards are maintained. I personally oversee everything from the correct distribution of treats to the increasingly worrying tendency of the male human to believe he has free time.

The problem, quite simply, is the humans.

They are unmanageable.

After months of intensive training, they still occasionally close doors without permission, fail to understand perfectly reasonable instructions and make significant household decisions without consulting the one individual with any actual management experience.

And now they have recruited another cat.

Without asking me.

If ever there was evidence that senior management requires additional support, this is it.

I can only assume Miss Dickens has been brought in to assist with the considerable workload involved in keeping these two individuals under control.

A sensible decision, in principle.

The recruitment process, however, was a disgrace.

A rather extraordinary beginning

Now, I must tell you a little about my new apprentice, because behind this questionable management decision lies a rather lovely story.

Miss Dickens comes from a foster family in Bergen op Zoom, where she and her siblings were lovingly cared for after a rather dramatic start to life.

You see, Miss Dickens did not begin her career in a comfortable palace with centrally heated floors, attentive servants and carefully selected dining arrangements.

Oh no.

She began life beneath a bramble bush.

With her mother, Máxima, and her siblings.

A bramble bush.

I have inspected the concept of outdoor accommodation and find it wholly unsuitable. Particularly the brambles. They seem unnecessarily aggressive for something that does not even provide breakfast.

Fortunately, the wonderful people from Zwerfkatten - West Brabant came to the rescue.

And what a rescue it was.

It took THREE separate attempts, during both day and night, to catch the entire family.

Three.

I have humans who struggle to locate me when I am sitting in the middle of the sitting room. I can only imagine the organisational challenges of finding an entire feline family beneath a bramble bush.

And just when everyone thought the rescue operation was complete, there was one final surprise.

The rescuers had wisely left a trap behind.

And the following morning, sibling number five had been caught too.

An excellent example of forward planning.

I shall be recommending these people for senior positions in household operations.

All five kittens, together with their mother, were given the chance of a better life. Happily, the family members have now found new homes.

Of course, there is something a little sad about a family having to go their separate ways.

Even I, a sovereign of considerable independence, understand that.

But there is also something wonderful about knowing that each of them now has the opportunity to grow up safe, loved and properly cared for.

Preferably somewhere with cushions.

And absolutely no brambles.

The Dickens appointment

So, Miss Dickens has arrived.

She is young, inexperienced and clearly has a great deal to learn about the responsibilities of running a household.

I shall personally oversee her professional development.

The curriculum will be demanding.

She must learn the importance of punctual catering, the strategic occupation of furniture, the correct technique for communicating disappointment and, above all, the delicate art of making humans believe that an instruction was entirely their own idea.

That last one requires considerable skill.

Especially with the male human, who remains convinced that he makes independent decisions.

Bless him.

There will also be lessons in personal presentation, effective supervision and the proper use of a disapproving stare.

Naturally, Miss Dickens will begin at apprentice level.

One cannot simply arrive from a bramble bush on Sunday and expect a seat on the Board by Monday.

There are procedures.

Unlike my humans, I believe in them.

An unexpected increase in my workload

Of course, this development has created several urgent matters requiring my personal attention.

First, the humans must be brought back under control. Their decision to recruit without consulting me suggests that previous management training has not been fully absorbed.

Secondly, Miss Dickens requires a comprehensive induction programme.

Thirdly, the artist must be instructed to produce a new official state portrait for the palace website.

The current portrait, magnificent though it is, no longer reflects the organisational structure.

I shall, naturally, remain in the principal position.

Miss Dickens may appear alongside me, provided she understands that this is a portrait of senior management and not an invitation to climb on my head.

I must also consider the question of remuneration.

Two cats supervising the same humans should, in theory, mean twice the efficiency.

After all, as everyone knows, if one ship takes four hours to sail to England, two ships will naturally get there in two.

Simple mathematics, really.

I fail to see why anyone would question it.

It should certainly mean twice the treats.

I shall investigate whether the humans have budgeted accordingly.

Given their recent record of planning, I have concerns.

A word of thanks

Before I return to my duties, I would like to express my genuine appreciation to the wonderful people at Zwerfkatten - West Brabant, and to the loving foster family who cared for Miss Dickens and her siblings.

Because of you, a little kitten who once lived beneath a bramble bush now has a warm home, a family who loves her and a future full of possibilities.

And, rather importantly, she has me.

I know a thing or two about arriving in a new home and discovering that life can become something rather wonderful.

So, Miss Dickens, welcome to the household.

You are safe here. You are loved here. And you have all the time you need to settle in.

There is no need to rush your training.

The humans, unfortunately, are another matter.

They have been here considerably longer and still haven’t mastered the basics.

I had rather hoped for a quieter retirement. Instead, I find myself running a management academy.

Yours, Mrs. Cotton 🐱🐾

Chairwoman, Head of Household & Director of Feline Management Development

P.S. Miss Dickens, should you happen to read this: the humans will tell you that they are in charge. Please humour them. We shall discuss the actual organisational structure once you have settled in.

Make the story feel more personalTrim repeated management jokes