📝🐱🐾 The Male Human Has Misunderstood the Situation

There has been a rather significant development in my household.

As you may recall, I arrived at this establishment on 11 March. Since then, I have been conducting a thorough assessment of the premises, the catering arrangements, the furniture and, naturally, the two members of staff.

Both humans have performed reasonably well. There have been occasional lapses, of course, but nothing that could not be corrected with a firm stare and a strategically timed expression of disappointment.

Over the months, I have become increasingly affectionate. This is hardly surprising. Even a monarch must occasionally acknowledge competent service.

But today, something extraordinary happened.

I was on the sofa when I decided to position myself directly against the male human. Not nearby. Not at a polite distance. Properly pressed against him, with absolutely no room for negotiation.

He appeared delighted.

This was my first concern.

I could practically hear the thoughts forming in his head.

She loves me. She has finally chosen me. I am her favourite.

Oh, dear.

I fear we have a serious misunderstanding.

You see, October has arrived. The temperatures are falling, the evenings are becoming cooler, and I have noticed that certain areas of the palace are no longer maintaining the tropical conditions to which I am entitled.

The male human, however, remains remarkably warm.

And there he was, sitting on the sofa, doing absolutely nothing useful.

A rare opportunity to correct two problems simultaneously.

I approached, inspected the available space and settled firmly against him. The result was most satisfactory. A comfortable temperature, a soft surface and a human who appeared willing to remain completely motionless for an unreasonable length of time.

Frankly, it was difficult to find fault with the arrangement.

Now, I should make one thing perfectly clear.

I am genuinely fond of my humans. Very fond, in fact. They have provided me with a lovely home, considerable affection and the sort of personal attention that lesser monarchs might only dream of.

Since March, I have grown increasingly comfortable with them. I trust them. I enjoy their company. And occasionally, I even permit them to believe that we are equals.

But affection must not be confused with a transfer of authority.

The male human seems to think that today’s incident represents a major breakthrough in our relationship.

It does not.

It represents a successful trial of a supplementary heating appliance.

One with arms.

I shall admit that the appliance has certain advantages over conventional central heating. It produces a steady warmth, comes with a built-in stroking function and can be activated simply by climbing onto the sofa.

There is, however, one serious design flaw.

It occasionally needs to go to the toilet.

I shall be raising this with management.

For now, I expect the male human will spend the rest of the day looking rather pleased with himself. He may even inform the female human that I have finally recognised him as my special person.

I shall allow him this small happiness.

After all, he has been trying very hard since March, and it would be unkind to discourage him just as the heating season begins.

But he really mustn’t get carried away.

I did not choose him over the female human.

I chose the warmest available piece of furniture.

The fact that I happen to love the furniture is entirely beside the point.

Yours, Mrs. Cotton 🐱🐾