📝🐱🎂A Birthday Audience for the Male-Human

Today is a particularly important date in the household calendar: the male-human is celebrating his birthday.

Naturally, I have dressed for the occasion in my finest white outfit. It is freshly arranged, beautifully fluffed and, as always, entirely bespoke. Some creatures require wardrobes. I simply wake up looking magnificent.

In honour of his special day, I have also decided to be on my very best behaviour. I shall refrain from unnecessary complaints, surprise inspections and dramatic disapproval. I may even make myself slightly more accessible than usual.

This is, of course, an exceptional birthday privilege and should not be mistaken for a permanent change in household policy.

This evening, there will be a proper birthday defilé. Guests will arrive to present themselves before the household, admire the decorations and, one assumes, pay their respects to the birthday human and his elegant white supervisor.

I am particularly pleased to hear that there will be delicious drinks and finger food. The humans may believe these refreshments are intended for the guests, but every successful reception requires strict quality control.

Should a small canapé, slice of chicken or other suitable item happen to be left unattended, I may be required to investigate. This is not stealing. It is an emergency catering inspection.

Throughout the evening, I may also suddenly materialise behind guests at entirely unpredictable moments.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with the food they are holding.

I shall simply be checking posture, plate security and general compliance with household regulations. It is pure coincidence that these inspections are most frequent near cheese, chicken and anything served on a small decorative stick.

Naturally, if an item then disappears, I cannot possibly be held to blame. The evidence would be entirely circumstantial. There may have been crumbs near my whiskers, but crumbs travel. A plate may have moved slightly, but plates are notoriously unreliable witnesses.

Furthermore, any guest careless enough to abandon finger food within royal reach must accept a certain degree of personal responsibility. One cannot leave valuable refreshments unguarded in a professionally managed household and then act surprised when management intervenes.

I shall therefore accept no blame whatsoever.

At most, I might accept a small consultancy fee.

I shall circulate among the visitors, receive compliments graciously and allow selected guests the honour of approaching me. Those who understand proper etiquette may even receive a brief audience.

Happy birthday to my dear male-human. Today, I shall permit him to feel like the most important person in the house.

At least until bedtime.

Yours, Mrs. Cotton 🐱🐾