There appears to be some confusion in my household regarding sleeping arrangements.

My humans seem to believe that I have “a bed”.

This is technically correct in the same way that Buckingham Palace technically has “a chair”. One does not restrict oneself unnecessarily.

As head of the household, I am responsible for inspecting every possible resting location. The sofa must be tested. The armchair must be assessed. Freshly folded laundry requires immediate quality control. Human pillows must be checked for softness, warmth and whether they have been positioned inconveniently close to a human head.

This is not indecision. It is governance.

My humans have also developed the curious habit of saying things such as, “I was sitting there.”

I fail to see the relevance.

A chair is not occupied merely because a human was sitting on it moments ago. Once vacated, it returns to royal ownership. This is basic household law and really should have been covered during their initial training.

Naturally, certain sleeping places are more desirable when they are urgently required by someone else. A laptop bag becomes especially comfortable five minutes before departure. A clean jumper is at its finest just before it is worn. The centre of the bed reaches peak quality when both humans are attempting to sleep.

Timing is an important part of leadership.

For clarity, I have now approved the following locations for my personal use: all chairs, all cushions, both sides of the bed, the middle of the bed, any blanket currently in use, all freshly laundered clothing and any cardboard box entering the premises.

My actual cat bed remains available for decorative purposes.

I trust this policy update will prevent further misunderstandings.

Yours, Mrs. Cotton 🐱🐾